The meek shall (not) inherit the earth

I recently completed a little project in which I chose to be a different person for a day. Specifically, I chose to be a more confident person for the day. After much consideration, I chose to alter my confidence because confidence is mainly an inner trait, under my control, which is noticed by other parties but is not dependent on others to be successfully enacted. For example, if I had chose to be more outgoing for the day rather than more confident, my ability to observe others’ reactions to the trait would mainly be limited to instances in which I was in direct, interpersonal contact with someone else. By choosing to be more confident, I could observe responses from individuals I was not necessarily in direct contact with throughout the day (e.g., watching to see if my confidence made it more likely for people to notice me in a crowd).

Although being a different person for the day sounds like a fun idea, actually implementing the change was quite difficult. As a low self-monitor, or person who is unlikely to change their behavior across different social situations (Snyder, 1987), I usually don’t censor the words or actions I take. However, because of my public self-consciousness, or tendency to focus on the image that I portray to others (Buss, 1980; Fenigstein et al., 1975), I often feel guilty and embarrassed for behaving in the manner I do. As such, I thought that appearing more confident for the day would be best accomplished by doing the things I normally do or would like to do without allowing myself to feel guilty or embarrassed. This approach was subtle, but the result was a much more genuine appearance of confidence on my part. I thought people would respond more naturally to me if I appeared to be naturally confident. I knew that trying to enact more overt change would be outside my nature, and would therefore make me seem awkward rather than confident to others.

In order to make myself appear more confident, I had to do something I almost never do. I woke up early, took a shower, styled and dried my hair and ---you guessed it--- actually put on make-up for a change. Once I had on my pretty face, I put on clothes that I love but usually feel embarrassed wearing (AKA a Bill Cosby-esque sweater and my super comfy shoes with toes on them) and practiced standing up straighter, looking ahead when I walk rather than at the ground, smiling and looking people in the eyes when I spoke, which would be my main methods of expressing confidence for the day. Improving my posture and bad habit of looking at the ground proved to be the most difficult part of the transformation. Changing my attitude was not as difficult as I had expected, however. By dolling myself up and wearing clothes that I was comfortable in rather than incredibly uncomfortable, trendy clothing, I managed to make myself feel more confident rather than just appear more confident.

The reactions to “the new me” were overwhelmingly positive. The barista at Starbucks who usually pays no particular attention to me asked my name and struck up a conversation with me. When I smiled at the strangers I passed, I would get warm, surprised smiles in return. I talked to close acquaintances I almost never get to see anymore and they responded with friendliness, expressed an interest in spending time with me and some even tried to flirt with me. The increased attention I received from men caught me very off guard. My confidence must have made me appear more open and approachable, which led acquaintances and strangers to behave in a friendlier manner towards me and led men who found me attractive to approach me when they otherwise would not. The anxiety I had felt before the day began had all but melted away by the time evening rolled around. I was feeling so good and so confident by then that I even had the balls to try to strike up a friendly conversation with my dad. The attempt fell rather flat because my dad doesn’t particularly understand the concept of idle chit-chit (he’s the type of person who doesn’t see the cup as half full or half empty, and instead says the cup is just twice as large as it needs to be). However, just putting in the effort made me feel good about myself. And that night, when I was too sick to work my shift, I was confident enough to ask for help without feeling bad about myself for being sick and weak, like I usually do.

The entire experience left me feeling a little confused the next day. Rather than wanting to act more confident again, once I reverted back to my old self I found myself unwilling to abandon my shy nature again. Dealing with people in more depth than I usually would had left me exhausted and cognitively drained. I found that although being more confident had a strong, positive effect on my interpersonal relations and could potentially lead to more career options for me in the future, my physical health seemed best served by my usual, shy self. Shyness seems to be less of a natural state for me, and more of a defense mechanism to conserve my cognitive resources. The fewer people I interact with throughout the day, the more cognitive resources I can save for use on my essential day-to-day functioning. Although being more confident had a positive effect on my emotional well being, the state was not physically sustainable on my part. I am now very interested in seeing if there are any observable changes in my attitudes or behavior as I progress through my treatment. Will I become less shy and more confident as the infection recedes, or will my personality remain constant?

The main thing I learned from this experience is that whether you have a positive or negative self-concept, or the totality of beliefs one holds about oneself (Rogers, 1961), can have a huge effect on how others perceive you and how you perceive others perceiving you. On my day of confidence, my self-concept became slightly more positive, which in turn caused me to perceive others actions as more positive. I acted with more confidence after this, which caused others to view me more positively and then treat me with more friendliness. As such, I created a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy in which my perception of others perceiving me eventually led others to behave in a manner in line with my expectations (Rosenthal & Jacobson, 1968). This phenomenon has led me to believe that the self-concept is essentially the maple syrup of social psychological concepts. Maple syrup is not a solid, so the molecules that form the liquid are capable of changing and rearranging in response to outside forces, no matter how slow-moving or gradual those changes may be. The self-concept can be modified, but it is a gradual process that must occur over time.

(n = 1,176)

References:

Buss, A. H. (1980). Self-consciousness and social anxiety. San Francisco: Freeman.

Fenigstein, A., Scheier, M. F., & Buss, A. H. (1975). Public and private self-

consciousness: Assessment and theory. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 43, 522–527.

Rogers, Carl R. (1961). On Becoming a Person: a Therapist’s View of

Psychotherapy. Boston: Houghton Mifflin.

Rosenthal, R., & Jacobson, L. (1968). Pygmalion in the classroom: Teacher expectation

and pupils’ intellectual development. New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston.

Snyder, M. (1987). Public appearances/private realities: The psychology of self-

monitoring. New York: Freeman.